First of all, let me say I am no political expert. My main source of news is Twitter and the close-captioned CNN I half watch at the gym. But from what I do catch I think it’s pretty obvious that politicians are straight up nuts. My only thought every time I see anything about any of the Republican candidates debating and name calling is “STOP TALKING! You are only increasing the crazy!” I think we need some new voices in the political discourse and I am happy to enter the conversation. I don’t really want to be president and as my friend Holly pointed out recently, “America doesn’t need a president, it needs a life coach.” So, with tongue firmly in cheek, i’m throwing my hat in the ring and stepping up to run for life coach in chief.
If elected I promise to accomplish the following:
-Every link on a website will open in a new tab
-The word amazeballs will be outlawed those who continue to use it will be fined by the grammar police.
-I will make the grammar police an actual law enforcement agency who’s purpose is to protect the beauty of language and make sure there are no longer adults in our society who think ridiculous is spelled “rediculous”
-Whimsy will increase by 30% my first year in office
-Twinkle lights will be mandatory in all homes
-Overhead lighting will be outlawed because it is too harsh
-Chips and salsa will be available at all restaurants, not just Mexican ones
-“I stayed up all night finishing a book/watching a really good tv show on Netflix/trolling pinterest” will be a legitimate excuse for not going to work and can be used up to 4 times each year.
-Every citizen must read one poem a day
-Aaron Sorkin gets to write all tv shows (I am also appointing him as my chief speech writer)
-Every family must make one home cooked meal a week that they all eat together
-Kids aren’t allowed to have text messaging or use social media until they are 16
-I will subsidize the champagne industry to make champagne more affordable and celebrations more frequent
-I’ll appoint Wendell Berry, Ira Glass, Eric and Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights to do the actual work of running the country so no one has to be stressed about boring stuff like the budget, terrorism, and health care because they are definitely going to figure it out. We can all kick back, drink champagne, and hang more twinkle lights!
I hope to have your support this November! God bless America!