You guys are seriously the worst. I don’t even know why you exist, you serve no discernible purpose in my life. Every day I find myself languishing in your grip of hunger and fatigue until 5:00 appears and I am freed from you tyranny. I don’t understand this hold you have over me. I arise at 6am and spend my morning being an alert member of society but then you roll around and suddenly I am incapacitated. I can’t focus on my work and all I want to do is take a nice long nap and maybe eat an entire bag of tortilla chips, but here is the worst thing about you, 2-5pm, it is not socially acceptable to eat or nap during you! My friends are confused when I ask if we can meet for dinner at 4:30, but they don’t understand that I am merely exercising the feeble hope that by doing so I can outsmart you. But you always win 2-5pm, you win every time.
Another thing I hate about you is how awful the sun is during your reign. It shines right into my windows and bakes my room to an unbearable temperature. Plus have you ever tried to drive west at 5:00? You might as well be blind. Why would you want to do such a thing to me, 2-5pm? It’s rude is what it is. Do you know what people say about your cousins 6 and 7pm? They call them the magic hour. They write songs about them! How does that make you feel? Don’t you think it’s time to relinquish the hold you have upon my circadian rhythm?! Have a heart 2-5pm!
2-5pm, there is only one thing in this world that I dislike more than you and that is the month of February. But today I found myself wishing for the perpetually grey skies and 4:00pm darkness of my least favorite month. At least then I could turn on my beloved twinkle lights and start drinking wine at 3:30 without feeling guilty. Soon winter will come and I will have my brief victory over you, but it will be a hollow victory- one gained in exchange for bone-chilling cold and four months of being confined inside.
You are a worthy competitor 2-5pm. You appear every day despite how vocal I am about my hatred for you. Not everyone could do that and I admire you. I hold out hope that we can one day reach a compromise. I will promise to stop bad mouthing you if you promise to stop zapping my energy. I hope you will mull this over during the 21 hours of the day you are not busy ruining my life. Let me know what you think!